Dear Sheri,
I have problem with knowing what is the truth. I found out that when I believe that what I believe is a lie and I know what is absolute truth it's so easy to make change in my dream. But so often I know that what I believe is a lie, but I don't really believe it's a lie. I need a default point which I could take as absolute truth and then by comparison with this point know if what I believe is really lie or if it's the truth. I found out that change is difficult only if I make it difficult, but I cannot change because I believe that I am loosing part of myself and I am so afraid of it - and also afraid what people around me say when I change. At one point I know, there is no absolute truth in the world, and then how could I know what is lie and what is not ?
And another question is what I need to do. I am confused, because I read so many toltec books and every author suggests slightly different things and I don't know what to do first ... repeat positive affirmations ? abide with the four agreements ? work with emotions ? do not- doings ?
I found out that I could do only one thing at the time, so what to do ?
I found out that I could choose between two ways of thinking.
1) I could deny to myself what happened in the past, say positive affirmations, feel free and happy (that affirmations make me feel safe) , but still have so many fears about so many things, it's like I am lying to myself, but in the present moment I feel very good and it's pleasure.
2) I could go to my past (what I subconsciously believe about it) and really accept what happened (how I perceived world as a small child), but the more deeply I go, the stronger vulnerability, fear, hate and emotions of this kind I feel. It looks like, what I feel it is not because what happened in the past but because what I am saying to myself in present moment. But this activity makes profound and quick changes in my point of view than just repeating positive affirmations, because I subconsciously not believe that affirmations.
And even when I tell myself beautiful things and it's look like it's generating pleasant emotions, on deeper level I am still not safe. My mum told me that I was born 3 weeks before expected time by cesarean operation because she has some health problems and at that time I didn't want go out yet. I had only 5,2 lbs and than get to 4,5 lbs by jaundice, followed by another brain problem. She told me that I was very soft and sensitive child unable to adapt to the world and I was afraid of everything, my younger brother could beat me up and I had no defenses. So I have problems with security from the moment I was born. Could it be shock from forced birth ? Could I get to this place in my life by deep inventory and release that shock by this way or should I look for another way how treat my feeling that I don't feel safe. It looks like that that feeling is deeper than my emotional wounds even when I created those wounds by my sensitivity. It looks like that is primary cause of all my need of acceptance and others emotional wounds and agreements. When I was small child I was jealous to my younger brother, because I didn't have mum only for myself and I was punished because of it and I accepted that my mum don't love me and my dad don't love me either. I had strong need to be accepted (to feel safe) but from my point of view I failed. So how to feel really safe ?
It seems to me that all people are judging and criticizing me (even when they don't say any word out loud) - I subconsciously believe that there is something wrong with me and when people are praising me I believe they are saying it because I am wrong and they try to make me feel good. How could I be really sure that I am ok the way I am ? How could I be really sure that what I subconsciously believe is really a lie ? How could I know what is truth and what is lie? How could I overcame fear of losing myself ?
Thank You
Dear Confused,
Recapitulation is the hallmark of the Toltec path. It's going back into the past with compassion and clarity and re-writing all the old stories. I will give you a personal example. I was "abused" during my childhood and screamed at. I did not feel loved and was very angry. I created many defense mechanisms to survive. I had all kinds of stories around what was happening to me and why. The structure of my wounded mind made me who I was as an adult.
Upon doing this work I came to realize that no one hated me and my beatings had nothing to do with me. They had everything to do with my unhappy parents. I realized that they loved me so much and did not hurt me purposely, but because they were unhappy. It was not personal. It's just that love never looked the way I thought it should look and my expectations were never met.
When I deeply and truly understood the truth I no longer could be mad at my parents and forgave them. My whole relationship with them changed since I no longer projected anger and they no longer were forced by me energetically to feel guilty and then be angry in response. Now they are my best friends. The truth is nothing happened to me. Things happened in my life and none of it was about me. Life is not personal.
I no longer need to feel safe. What is that anyway? Safe is a ridiculous concept in a predatory universe. I am perfectly happy just living as I am. I do not need to make up a story about feeling safe. And neither do you as it is not truth.
Last of all you need to lose all of your "self" - the little ego self that feels afraid in the world and sees itself as something real and separate from life. Every spiritual seeker needs to experience the "petit morte" or little death. That means your ego dies - as the real you is eternal and cannot be hurt, is not vulnerable, and is perfection. To do so you must die to all your old beliefs and stories. This is simply another way of saying the same thing that all the spiritual teachers share.
Understand?
Blessings, Sheri
