Dear Sheri,
I was hoping you could help me. I just recently started reading Don Miguel Ruiz's book The Four Agreements. I am at a part on page 64 where he says "If others say one thing, but do another, you are lying to yourself if you don't listen to their actions". I realized that I am the other. I say to my boyfriend that I love him all the time, but then if he makes me feel bad, through no fault of his own, I shut down to make him feel bad. I really do love him, but do i really love him if I keep doing this? I don't want to break up with him, but I care about him to keep doing this to him. Can I be helped or do my actions speak louder than my words?
Thanks, Taking it personally..
Dear Taking it Personally,
Thank you for your note. My guess is that you do love him, but your need to feel safe and control him overrides you ability to simply share you love without conditions. People say all kinds of things all the time. If you always take peoples words and deeds personally you will always be unhappy and in reaction. That puts you in the victims seat and that is not truth. You are not a victim. If something someone says bothers you - before you open your mouth think about what it is in you that is causing that persons words to tweek you. Take responsibility for that and communicate without getting emotional - what is going on for you. Rather than getting upset, explain what caused you to get upset and why. Then you are taking responsibility for your reaction and you are letting them know why you are upset. Then let them know that you are going to do you best to work through how you are feeling. It is best if you stop trying to punish him and manipulate him to control his behavior. A good conversation is much more effective than punishment and feels a lot more loving.
Also, know it takes two to tango. Maybe your boyfriend could work at being more impeccable with his words on his side.
Blessings, Sheri
