Hello, Sheri -
I have been on a spiritual journey for about 6 months now, but just discovered the Toltec way, and in particular your writings and website. It is completely in line with the path I have been meandering (through Buddhism and various New Age writings), and I am hoping will take me to the next plane. My question is as follows:
Many of the jobs I have had over the years focus on developing and implementing business processes. I have been exposed a number of times to personality tests, ALWAYS testing as introvert. The point here is that I am a flaming introvert. My job was recently changed to focus on training and International travel. I have 30 yrs invested and 3 years left to go to reach full retirement at 55 yrs of age. I want to "stick it out". However, being as introverted as I am, the new intense work situations leaves me feeling exhausted. If I am on a week long travel jaunt, I am often awake after only 3 hrs sleep each night, with the physical discomfort of feeling like adrenalin is pumping through my body. By day 3 I am severely sleep deprived, and then am sometimes sick by day 5 (e.g. cold, bronchitis, pneumonia).
Do you think I am bringing this physical reaction on myself ? I am at wits end to figure how to manage it. Since I have started on my spiritual journey., I have had on 2 occasions a paradigm shift for a brief 5-10 minutes each, during which I could "see" the smoke and mirror illusion my ego has created. During both of these instances, I was in an extremely stressful situation and suddenly felt very calm, and the difference between the "Tonal" and the "Nagual" became crystal clear. During both instances, I was about as uncomfortable physically and/or mentally as I could possibly be, and had "turned over" the pending situation to my inner Self. From your writings, I am theorizing that, in fact, it was that discomfort and the resulting total faith in my Self (because it was the "last resort" of the day) that led to the "crack" in the illusion of the Tonal.
What a wonderful feeling those 5-10 minute revelations brought! What I would really like is to find a way to advance the Awareness without taking myself to the brink of mental and/or physical collapse. Or is this the nature of the journey? Any insight you could give me on how to get through these periods of stress, or on how the Toltec journey can relate to this would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks so much for your writings and website !!
Dear Not Really an Introvert,
You are not a flaming introvert unless you choose to believe that nonsense. You are no-thing that lives in a body and possesses a mind that sees itself as an introvert. That's a big problem. So yes, you are making yourself sick because your job is going "against" your idea of yourself. If you change your idea of yourself then you will see that you are simply in a job and you will do your job. All the judgment you have about what you are required to do is causing the emotional reaction within your body and causing you to feel sick. It is that simple.
First step - focus on the "what is" - in other words stop making stories about everything - like your personality and even your spiritual path. Get serious with your programming and address what you believe about yourself and challenge that. There is no job that you cannot do if you open your heart and mind and just have fun. Your mind has you prisoner with all it's internal dialogue and thinking. Stop analyzing and when you lay down at night let the day go and rest and focus on the gratitude you have for your life - rather than what you did not finish today and what is wrong with you and the world.
You thankfully had a moment of clarity to see the what is - that is why you felt calm, you took the point of view of you as no-thing for a second rather than the point of view of your limited mind. You saw the illusion of this reality. Great! So either you will believe what is truth or you will believe and all the nonsense your mind is constantly proposing to you. Your path can be easy if you make a choice to believe in the truth in every moment. That's the challenge. Stop making it so hard. There is nothing to manage - but everything to LET GO of - your mental control. Once you stop judging the entire reality changes and life is easy.
It is not necessary to make yourself sick at all on your path. That is just one more way to hurt yourself, which is what people are doing to themselves all the time. Happiness is a choice and so is misery. Your choice. In my book there is an emotions page that has an exercise on it that will help you get clarity about your fear-based beliefs. I suggest doing that everyday - it changed my life.
Love, Sheri
