Hi Sheri,
About a year ago I chose to step back from a relationship with my sister. I found that over the years I was less and less able to deal with my reactions to her. I was taking things more and more personally and was allowing the circumstances to cause me to dislike being around her. The more I reacted to her judgments not only of me but of seemingly everything, the more miserable I became. The proverbial straw came just before my last birthday and I literally "ran away". I took myself to Mexico for my birthday and my greatest companion ended up being the "Four Agreements".
Anyway, my question for you is "what now?" I have made attempts to be in contact and have even sat down to a family dinner with her there but she has indicated she is not interested in having any part of me. Her daughter invited me to her wedding but my sister requested I not come is an example. I hear from family that she continues to speak very ill of me and sometimes I still hurt over it. Most of the time I am able to realize that it is her poison that is directed at me and not take it personally. I can only return love and compassion and wishing her the gift of awareness so she can wake up from her nightmare. Of course this is done in my quiet time and not in person. Is this all I can do unless she wakes from her dream?
I journeyed to Teotihuacan earlier this year and at the Place of the Women I acknowledged my sisterhood with her and sent forth love. I do miss her somewhat but is this a situation that must be what it is and maybe improve over time? If she dies suddenly what will I feel then? Obviously this is bothering me but I viewed the relationship as being an abusive one for many many years and learned to love myself enough to remove myself from it. As family, should we view this situation differently?
A Sister in Distress!
Dear Sister,
This is a big question for one email angel!
To be very brief, it is imperative that you forgive her completely and change you story about your past totally. As long as you hold any resentment or judgment about her behavior it is not likely to change. I am going to guess that to what I just wrote that you would say you have forgiven her. But that is not my observation based on what you have written and the words that you have used. You still feel guilt about your part in the situation or else you would not think you would feel bad if something happened to her before resolution occurred between you both.
I suggest you go to the wedding and have fun - give her a big hug if you can and just behave lovingly. Perhaps you can look at why she is mad and apologize for your half of the situation (there is never one side) and write a beautiful letter to her. But I warn you - as long as you hold that she abused you and that she was mean, etc - don't bother. Because that means you have not forgiven her yet as you are still in judgment of her and have not taken responsibility for allowing that situation to occur and for your part in that drama. After all, no one can abuse you unless you feel you deserve it and if you help co-create it.
I know this might be a bit tough to swallow - but it is a start. Love, Sheri
Dear Sheri,
The wedding happened months ago, I RSVP'd to my niece that I would attend but was emailed by my sister asking me not to come. I sort of honored her wishes, I was not at the wedding but on the beach where it occurred watching from afar and sending my love. No one knows.
Around Christmas time I sent her a card and I emailed her about my involvement with Toltec Wisdom and what I was doing in the way of self exploration. I went on to explain that the reason I pulled back from our relationship was because I was becoming aware how reactive I was becoming and needed to explore it. Yes, I did feel I was being abused and I did help create it by taking it personally and judging her. I hope I have forgiven her completely but I work on it knowing it is necessary. Thank you for reminding me what an important ingredient this is.
I do feel guilt in my part because I feel I should have been able to deal with the whole situation differently. I was always a sounding board for my sister and lent a sympathetic ear in all the drama in her life. It is huge. I know she depended on me to be there but I was exhausted with it all. So, I not only judged her I was judging myself more and more until it ended up with me ending the interaction. So, now I have me to forgive as well. I have a great amount of love for me so will try to continue to love me unconditionally. And her.
Anyway I took your advice and wrote her a letter:
Hi my sister,
I hope this email finds you well. I have been working on changing the story of my past so I can enjoy living in today. It is very hard work and I can only say I am doing my best at any given moment. My best is what is here right now at this moment. I still feel guilt at my part in this situation and am working on forgiving myself and forgiving you as well. I apologize for my half of our situation (there is never just one side) and hope you will accept that apology.
I am learning to love myself unconditionally and not to judge or criticize myself as I am in the process of being more aware of why I react as I do. I try to do my best and forgive myself for thinking I could always do better. I am working toward that unconditional love for everyone in my life as well as humans in general. When anyone throws what I perceive to be a barb at me I will do my best to not take it personally and love them unconditionally. This is my goal. I love you sister and hope that someday we can enjoy each others company.
Dear Sister,
That is a lovely letter and hopefully she will feel your energy and intent in it - but if not - the key is to detach and know that you did your best in this moment to heal things.
Love, Sheri
www.withforgiveness.com
